I am being haunted by the feeling of failure.
When i first felt the call into youth ministry, it came out of a deep longing for the church to do youth ministry better than it was at the time. i felt that God had called me into the church to make a difference. to help it be more effective at youth ministry. maybe this is arrogant or naive but still it was my heart and and still is.
As i come to the end of my forth full year in my current role. i am starting to see the cracks in the ministry that i have built up. i’m starting to see that things are not as i would like them to be. this ministry that i have created is starting to show signs of failure.
I have this overwhelming feeling that i have simply created another ineffective youth ministry like all the ones i vowed to revolutionist. that instead of changing the church, i have been sucked into it way of doing things.
I am seeing Students that were on fire for Christ 6 months ago, walking away from their faith.
I am seeing Students who are passionate and committed going elsewhere to get spiritual fed.
I am seeing kids that I have poured my life into, simple give up and walk away and look for life elsewhere.
and this all hurts me terribly.
many people in youth ministry only stick around for 3 years or even less. just enough time to make something amazing, feel really good about it and then move on. if i left after three years i would have been so happy with the revolutionary ministry i has built. but i stuck around to see at all start to fall apart and reveal itself and something much less.
maybe this is the only way we can grow in ministry. to stick around long enough to fail. after four year you start to see your own shortcomings in your ministry and in your leadership team. you start to see the long term fruit of what your doing and if it is fruit that will last or fruit that withers.
I believe that this is one of the reasons why we should aim to stick around in ministry. so we can see our own effort fail and then learn and grow. to see what we do wrong and then work toward fixing it. learning all the more along the way. what will we learn if we don’t stick around for this season of ministry?
don’t get me wrong. God has done heaps of group stuff and there are stacks of amazing teens who love Jesus and will continue too. but the cracks have shown themselves. a number of students have left and i feel like i have failed them because i can see that i didn’t do things as well as i could have. i was to busy running programs to really nurture faith. to create a culturing my leaders that nurtures faith.
That is a wake up call for me. a call to get back to the heart of God and his intention for ministry and his heart for Students. at the moment this journey hurts but i feel that God may be at work here as well.